I’m a control freak.

Leading with that – staring at those four words at the top of this post feels harsh and ugly, but I couldn’t come up with a more eloquent wording without covering up what it actually is. I’ll justify my “condition” by saying that I don’t really want to control others, just all things in relation to myself. Let me give you one, very small (but kind of dominating) example of this in my life.

I always drive. Like, always. I’ve been this way since I turned 16, always avoiding riding with others at any cost. I’m the girl who will just meet you there. I’ll make up (aka lies) a million excuses of why I can’t ride with you. In the past I’ve even bailed on events altogether when I can’t figure out a way to be the one in the drivers seat (literally). I have gotten better as the years have passed but I still experience a fair amount of anxiety when it comes to riding with others.

Sitting here typing this makes it sound so trivial. So quirky. Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing and something I’ve never talked about much (all the people who love me just know it’s my quirk). Really, though, the desire to be in control comes from one essential fear I cannot seem to escape- being stuck. I never want to be stuck in a situation that I cannot control or cannot remove myself from. Driving gives me all of that power- if I’m somewhere that I’m uncomfortable, I can leave. Going too slow, I can speed up. In ridiculous, unexplainable traffic, I can take another route.  I can set my cruise control, pick my music, and coast right on down the interstate.

I want my life to look like it does when I’m driving. I want to flee the uncomfortable. I want to set my speed. I want to take the route that I like most. I want to set my cruise control, set my life soundtrack, and cost right through life – comfortable and in control.

But life is like driving. Sometimes traffic gets heavy and you’re force to the slow flow. Sometimes the only way to get where you’re going is a crappy route you hate (like I-16 to Savannah). Sometimes you’ve gotta pump the brakes, end the cruise control, and you just can’t find any music you like. Most of the time, driving gives you some kind of surprise that keeps you from getting too comfortable and you aren’t really in control after all.

When I’m driving I feel confident and collected because I’m in control of it all, rockin’ along on cruise control. Then that Florida driver (cause lets be honest, it’s always them) cuts me off, I have to slam on brakes, and I’m not on cruise anymore. Making my own decisions is the same – I feel confident, collected, I’m in control and crusin’. Then my work schedule changes, the guy I’m so into and certain I should be dating calls things off, and financial plans don’t pan out – I’m not on cruise anymore.

Here’s the funniest part about it all – I wasn’t ever truly in control when driving. I wasn’t ever truly in control when making my own decisions. I (we) wasn’t created to control and handle everything on my own. In actuality I’ll be “cruising” when I live as I was created to, in complete surrender to my creator.

Colossians 1:17 says, ” He is before all things and by Him all things hold together.”

That’s it right there, y’all – He has gone before me, He holds it all together. I can live under the illusion that I’m in control, my speed is best, my route is most wise. OR I can live out this verse and know that He is in control, sets the best speed, and knows what route is best for me and will bring Him the most glory.

Until next time…

 

 

 

August 1st everything was new for me. New job. New home. New city. New co-workers. New students. It was terrifying, if I’m being honest. I couldn’t sleep because I had recurring dreams that an intruder was in my house. I was anxious about my new job and my new students. Self doubt crept in and I kept remembering important people in my life who planted seeds of doubt upon the announcement of this move. They told me “you shouldn’t” and “you can’t.” Even though God was continually saying “go anyway” and “you can,” it was the doubt I heard more frequently.

I made it through the first few weeks of school and while I didn’t love my new job I just kept telling myself that I had to give it more time. On a daily basis I questioned God’s call and wondered what His purpose was in this move. But all the while I was surrounded by some amazing co-workers and had my family in my corner reminding me of my strength and ability to rise to the occasion.  As the semester continued I started to realize the true dynamic of my classes – behavior problems, kids with special needs, more behavior problems. Finally one day in early September I told my best friend, “I can’t do this. I hate this.” Teaching has been the one thing that felt natural to me, that I knew I was good at, that I truly loved yet I don’t remember another time that I have felt so defeated, like such a failure as I did first semester. I didn’t know if teaching really was my purpose anymore.

Instead of accepting defeat (I don’t give up easily – this is a blessing and a curse) I poured myself into developing new lessons, trying even harder to build relationships with kids, and reading about/implementing new strategies to manage behavior issues. Working hard at this made the days fly by and I survived first semester. Second semester came with more ease- I felt much more prepared – but don’t confuse ease with easy.

I knew my fourth block would be a challenge within the first five minutes of the first day in January. One student, we will call her Z, made it clear that she wasn’t going to allow this class to be an easy one. She was vocal that she had already taken my class and didn’t need it to graduate, she was adamant that she wasn’t going to do anything and already knew everything. I was able to shut down her verbal outbursts so she switched to another tactic – the silent treatment. She would come in each day and I would greet her each time met with silence. If Z needed to go to the bathroom she would have another student ask. We went on like this for weeks and I just had to accept the “you can’t reach them all” mentality and go on with business. About six weeks ago Z had to ride a late bus home meaning that she had 45 minutes to kill before her bus arrived. She stayed in my room with a couple of other girls until time to go to the bus ramp. She stayed the next day and the next, and every single day until her last day of school. Eventually she began to joke with me, tell me stuff about other classes, and would always say “bye Ms. Huggins” as she left. After a couple of weeks she began cleaning up my room after the bell rang, defending me anytime she felt another student was being disrespectful, and affectionately calling me “Huggs.”

On Saturday, Z walked across the stage at Brodie Field becoming TCHS alumni. When the graduates threw their caps I stood back and watched with a full heart as they celebrated their accomplishments. Minutes later I was engulfed in the biggest hug from sweet Z. We took a picture, I told her just how proud I was and as Z walked off to find her family she said, “I love you, Huggs” and I said back, “I love you Z.”

This year was hard. It challenged me professionally and personally. I questioned my purpose and questioned this move. Standing there on Brodie Field watching those kids celebrate, watching Z run off to find her family, it was all so so clear to me – my purpose.

Thank you, Lord, for the rainbow at the end of the craziest storms.

Until next time…

I thought about writing a couple of times since my “big” move but I haven’t been able to find the words. In July I moved into my own place in my new city and settled in. God sent consistent reminders that this was what was right. Sermons at the church I visited, messages and notes from friends, being able to be a part of events with the people I love most, and the most amazing work family I’ve experienced. Even on the tough days (and trust me there were plenty) I was surrounded by my family, my closest friends, and the most amazing and encouraging work family I’ve ever had. With all of this, however, I think I settled in and just started going through the motions. Writing this write now I feel like I almost just became numb – to how appreciative I should be for it all, to seeking and listening to God, to everything.

For a long time now I have said that I believe we do the worst job of really loving (as a verb) the people we love the most.  We often mistreat those people the most, put them on the back burner the most, and forget to let them know we appreciate them (the most).  We love them from the inside, often strong and passionately, yet we somehow forget how to love as a verb. Writing this has been stirring in my heart for several days now as I have been slowly sliding in to a pity party because I feel like a wanderer, just truly without a place. Of all the wonderful people in my life – they all have “other” lives and just as Satan wants me to believe, lately I have felt like those people whom I love so much have forgotten to love me – convincing me my permanent home is on the back burner in the lives of the people who are my top priority. My pity mixed with my pettiness (and probably a great deal of encouragement from Satan himself) sat me down to write this blog tonight as a victim, to make me feel justified in my hurt feelings and then (as He always does) God said “wait a minute” and put a different note in my heart. He reminded me that my love for him, though strong and passionate, has been on the back burner. How I haven’t loved Him well. Haven’t appreciated Him lately. I have failed to truly love the one that I really do love most.

I think of the “left out” feelings I have, feelings of rejection I’ve experienced, the feeling of life going on without me really mattering and how badly it hurts my heart. Then I think about how He must feel on ALL of the occasions that I put Him on the back burner, reject Him (even inadvertently), all the times I let my life go on without Him. He who literally sent His son to die for me – and I have the audacity to not only forget to love Him well but to wallow in pity that I have been forgotten. As usual, He uses my weakness, imperfection, and insecurity to remind me of His unwavering love and the strength He gives me.

Honestly y’all, my pity party has quickly turned to shame and an eagerness to refocus. No matter what Satan tells me, no matter how the humans in my life make me feel I’m important, worthy, valued, and have such great purpose. I am loved more than I can ever imagined, blessed beyond what I deserved, and He goes before me in all my days. Tonight I’m choosing to give my hurt feelings and sadness to Him and thank Him for consistently reminding me of the beauty in what I see as a mess. He is with me (and you), goes before me (and you), and has things ahead far better than what I (and you) could ever dream up for myself.

Let us strive to love Him and those that we love most as an action and so so well.

Until next time…

***After writing I like to take a minute away and come back to proofread before I post. As I was taking my minute I read a chapter in one of my favorite books – “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst. This exerpt (a prayer she wrote) brought me to tears, resonating in the depths of my soul so I felt led to share:

“‘Whoever dwells int he shelter of the Most High’ Lord, draw me close. You Word promises when I draw close to You, You are there. I want my drawing close to be a permanent dwelling place. At any moment when I feel weak and empty and alone, I pray that I won’t let those feelings drag me down into a pit of insecurity. But rather, I want those feelings to be triggers for me to immediately lift those burdensome feelings to You and trade them for the assurance of Your security. 

I am not alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your strength is infused i me. I am not empty, because I am drinking daily from Your fullness. You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every stormy circumstance and harsh reality. I’m not pretending the hard things don’t exist, but I am rejoicing in the fact that Your covering protects me and prevents those hard things from affecting me like they used to. 

You, the Most High, the name above every rejection, have the final say over me. You know me and love me intimately and personally and fully. Let my reactions to all things make it evident that I spend a lot of time with You. I want my gentleness to be evident to all. I want Your fullness in me to be the atmosphere around me. I want Your love to shine through me. And I want Your peace to be the path I walk. Your truth to be my wisdom when I talk. You are my everyday dwelling place, my saving grace. 
Amen.”
– Uninvited: Living loved when you feel less than, left out, and lonely by Lysa TerKeurst

In late March I sat on a church pew with a few of my high school small group gals and listened as both youth and adults shared what they had experienced during the DNOW weekend that was drawing to an end. Without delving deep into all the details, as people shared my flesh took a hard hit. I was hurt and honestly a little angry. I was in a weird spot and the tears began to fall. This was a little different than usual tears shed because I could not seem to make them stop. I tried all my classic tricks for holding the tears in but they continued to run one after another down my surely flushed cheeks. As a few of the youth led us in worship I had such a strong urgency to flee. I didn’t want to be there anymore but I knew if I left my small group girls would worry so I prayed (what felt like a silly prayer) that God would stop my tears. As the congregation sang “Oceans” my spirit shifted, the tears came to a halt, and there was a peaceful stirring that began in my heart. When we took our seats after the worship songs I text one of my Godly, go-to friends and said, “have you ever felt God stirring and preparing you for something but you have no idea what?” It was a feeling I don’t remember having before in my life but it was also one I came to be familiar with over the next couple of months.

As March turned into April I felt myself battling between spirit and flesh, really trying to hear what God had to say and not allowing my human emotions control my words and actions.  A series of events unfolded through April ultimately resulting in my stepping away from the high school small group (that I’ve been involved with in some capacity for 3 years now). My heart was broken but my spirit knew and believed it was what was right for everyone.  The night I really made the decision I know that God spoke through me as I told the two group members I’m closest to that He was preparing us for something else and that it would be a change in our seasons but would not be an end to our relationship.  A few days later one of those girls said, “I think it all had to happen this way so that our relationships could stay in tact” (who knew 17 year olds would be speaking truth and life?) She was absolutely right and deep down I knew that the stirring I felt in late March was God preparing me to leave my home of almost 5 years. I knew that all the things that happened were to close doors so he could open new ones for a new chapter.

So now in June I sit writing this post on the bed in my grandparents spare bedroom surrounded by boxes, all my furniture crammed into their formal living room embarking on this exciting and terrifying journey.  I left behind the only teaching job I’ve ever had in my career for a new job.  I traded my first (and perfect) home for a spare bedroom and uncertainty as to if/when I’ll have my own place again. I left behind my small group girls and the students I taught (best teens I’ve ever known) to come teach kids I don’t know anything about. Right now it doesn’t feel good to my flesh, but my spirit is still at peace and I know that for whatever reason God did call me to move. My heart is sad for what I’ve left behind but my soul is certain of the good that is to come. The fear is real, the uncertainty is real, but so is the peace. So today (and the days ahead) I’m going to choose to seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 34:14), to trust in a plan that is much bigger than what I would envision for myself, and to constantly remind myself of the good that is on the other side of my obedience.

Good vibes and lots of prayers are appreciated! Until next time…

All my life I’ve been blessed with strong, Godly women in my life. From my Meme and my mama to my high school youth minister, I have had some wonderful women who have helped exemplify what it really means to be a Godly woman. Any of these women would be a great role model but for as long as I can remember I have specifically wanted to be like my oldest cousin, Jana.

Six years older than me, it is easy to understand why I looked up to Jana as a child. She was my older cousin, the closest thing I really had to an older sister, and in my eyes she basically hung the moon. I was eager for her attention and made a habit of clinging to the words she said. It was even Jana (and Adam) who taught me how to ride my bike without training wheels. As a pre-teen I loved Saved by the Bell and Zach Morris because Jana did, of course. And while I’m confident I was the annoying little cousin, Jana never let me know it. As we grew older I watched Jana grow into a young woman of God, leading in her youth group and in campus ministry at the University of Kentucky. I witnessed her sweet spirit and self-less, servant heart grow as she helped teach me the importance of developing a relationship with the Lord. When I was in high school our relationship began to evolve as I stood by Jana as a bridesmaid in her wedding. Jana taught me about praying for my future husband and the assurance of knowing that Chris was the man she had prayed for. When Jana became a mom I began to see her in a new light as she nurtured her children (all four) and loved them hard and steadfast. Without knowing, Jana has taught me how to choose to love your spouse daily, even when it’s hard. She’s taught me how to pray in a different way, how to step out in faith, and how to trust in God’s plan for my life. I’ve also watched Jana give herself whole-heartedly to Chris and their four children on a daily basis. Sacrificing and pouring her love into being the best, Godly mother and wife that she can be.

I’m sure I will always look up to Jana simply because she is one of the best women I know, but I’m so blessed now because she isn’t just some distant role model or my big cousin…she’s one of my best friends. Even in the midst of being a wife and mom she makes time to call me, to check on me, encourage me, and simply love on me. She opens her home to me, sets me up on dates (even if they go bad), and bakes me a birthday cake even though my birthday is on mothers day. Because thats the woman she is.

This August Jana has the opportunity to travel to Africa, a long time dream of hers, with a team to help prepare for the start of a school there. This is an opportunity to share the gospel and her love for the Lord. After all of the lesson she’s taught me and the love she’s given me, it is the least I can do to ask for two things on Jana’s behalf. First, I ask that you will pray for Jana, for Project Heal Ethiopia, and for the kingdom to grow due to their work on this trip. Second, I ask that you would consider financially supporting Jana. Any amount is greatly appreciated and will help spread the gospel “to the ends of the earth.” If you are interested in providing financial support can do so at this link.

I have been so blessed to have a role model and now such a close friend in Jana. Now it is my prayer that she can go do “abundantly more” (Ephesians 3:20) and be a blessing through Him in this amazing opportunity.

 

“Best Cousins” Jana and I at Cracker Barrel

 

Even So, God is good..

Tonight, the entire state of Georgia bleeds red and black. Tonight, we are all “dawgs”

This morning we awoke to news articles about 4 lives lost in a tragic car accident outside of the beloved city of Athens, Georgia. Media outlets reported that 4 female, UGA students were killed in Oconee County, headed toward Athens. This morning they didn’t have names, faces, or ages- they were just students, daughters, sisters, friends. Sometime today Georgia State Patrol released the names and ages of these girls. I didn’t recognize their faces, or their names, I didn’t even know where their high school alma maters were. What resounded with me was their age. 19, 20, and 21.

19- The age of the students who graduated in 2015. The age of students who were sophomores my first year of teaching.

20- The age of the students in the first senior class I really got to know as a teacher.

21- The age of my baby sister.

Loss is something that none of us like to think about. Even when we face a foreseen death (like a sick grandparent) it is hard to deal with the heartbreak and loss. But to lose someone you love in this way, so suddenly, is unfathomable. As I read the article releasing the names and ages of these lives lost, I couldn’t help but cry in relief and in fear. That it wasn’t my sister (relief), but that it could have been (fear). There wasn’t anyone that I knew personally and loved personally in that car, but there could have been. It could have been a kid I knew, my best friend, or my sister. And that thought is terrifying.

As I went through my day my heart was heavy for the families of these girls. I read articles about the accident, about the girls and what they were like. Tonight, I watched a video as a friend reflected on two of the girls as she said, “I know without a shadow of a doubt that those best friends met Jesus together last night.”

Friends, that is why, in the midst of the brokenness, there is beauty. In the midst of tragedy, there is hope. In the midst of the trials, heartache, and confusion God is still good and we have proof of it because, although we mourn for the lives lost here, these girls are still spreading The Gospel and still growing His kingdom while they sing praises to Him in Heaven.

Praise the Lord that He is near to the broken hearted. Praise the Lord that blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Praise the Lord that He takes broken things and makes them beautiful. Praise the Lord that even in death these 4 girls are witnessing and will, no doubt, bring people to Jesus!!!

Life on earth is short. In the days ahead my goal is to hug a little longer, love a little harder, and let my light shine a little brighter so that I lead people to Him, in life or in death.