I’m a control freak.

Leading with that – staring at those four words at the top of this post feels harsh and ugly, but I couldn’t come up with a more eloquent wording without covering up what it actually is. I’ll justify my “condition” by saying that I don’t really want to control others, just all things in relation to myself. Let me give you one, very small (but kind of dominating) example of this in my life.

I always drive. Like, always. I’ve been this way since I turned 16, always avoiding riding with others at any cost. I’m the girl who will just meet you there. I’ll make up (aka lies) a million excuses of why I can’t ride with you. In the past I’ve even bailed on events altogether when I can’t figure out a way to be the one in the drivers seat (literally). I have gotten better as the years have passed but I still experience a fair amount of anxiety when it comes to riding with others.

Sitting here typing this makes it sound so trivial. So quirky. Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing and something I’ve never talked about much (all the people who love me just know it’s my quirk). Really, though, the desire to be in control comes from one essential fear I cannot seem to escape- being stuck. I never want to be stuck in a situation that I cannot control or cannot remove myself from. Driving gives me all of that power- if I’m somewhere that I’m uncomfortable, I can leave. Going too slow, I can speed up. In ridiculous, unexplainable traffic, I can take another route.  I can set my cruise control, pick my music, and coast right on down the interstate.

I want my life to look like it does when I’m driving. I want to flee the uncomfortable. I want to set my speed. I want to take the route that I like most. I want to set my cruise control, set my life soundtrack, and cost right through life – comfortable and in control.

But life is like driving. Sometimes traffic gets heavy and you’re force to the slow flow. Sometimes the only way to get where you’re going is a crappy route you hate (like I-16 to Savannah). Sometimes you’ve gotta pump the brakes, end the cruise control, and you just can’t find any music you like. Most of the time, driving gives you some kind of surprise that keeps you from getting too comfortable and you aren’t really in control after all.

When I’m driving I feel confident and collected because I’m in control of it all, rockin’ along on cruise control. Then that Florida driver (cause lets be honest, it’s always them) cuts me off, I have to slam on brakes, and I’m not on cruise anymore. Making my own decisions is the same – I feel confident, collected, I’m in control and crusin’. Then my work schedule changes, the guy I’m so into and certain I should be dating calls things off, and financial plans don’t pan out – I’m not on cruise anymore.

Here’s the funniest part about it all – I wasn’t ever truly in control when driving. I wasn’t ever truly in control when making my own decisions. I (we) wasn’t created to control and handle everything on my own. In actuality I’ll be “cruising” when I live as I was created to, in complete surrender to my creator.

Colossians 1:17 says, ” He is before all things and by Him all things hold together.”

That’s it right there, y’all – He has gone before me, He holds it all together. I can live under the illusion that I’m in control, my speed is best, my route is most wise. OR I can live out this verse and know that He is in control, sets the best speed, and knows what route is best for me and will bring Him the most glory.

Until next time…